Remembering My Little Brother

As I sit here I try to think what to say and wonder who may read this. Why am I writing? It isn't as if it will make me fell less sad over the death of my younger brother Carl. It will not bring him back to us. It will not erase my feelings of guilt over the distance between us in our relationship over the last several years.
So why do I do this? I guess it is cheaper than therapy.

Lately I have found myself calling his cell phone just to hear his voice. Makes me wish I had recorded more of him talking or saved voice mail messages from him. It's strange the things we do to torture ourselves. Thats what it feels like.

When I remember Carl I think of coming home from school in the 2nd grade and my mother telling me that my little brother was sleeping in the crib in their bedroom. I remember sneaking back there with my sister Kim, and looking at his small body slowly breathing and making litle grunt sounds as he slept. That is when I first had a brother. I was 7.

I remember Carl making his "naked dashes" out of the house on Colby Dr in Jacksonville, Fl. Mom would yell to my siter and I to "Grab your brother!" as he ran with glee out into the yard to play with us, naked as a jay bird. I remember our trip to Canada when we camped for two weeks and he set his nose on fire with a burning marshmallow!

I remember being an older brother and wanting to distance myself from him because having a little brother seven years younger hanging around with you wasn't "cool". I remember making him laugh and having "tickle fights" with him and tickling him till tears came to his eyes.

I remember times when he sought my approval and how over time I began to resent that it was me who desperatly needed his approval.Yet I couldn't bring myself to let him know that. I remember asking him to be in my wedding and how glad I was he said yes.

Carl always spent most of his time with friends. I think in a way I resented that somewhat. It felt like he didn't love me as much as he did his friends. Or maybe he thought I didn't love him as much as they did? He was there when I had my bad car accident. Somehow he didn't want to loose a big brother who spent little time with him. Carl always forgave those he loved and never held any grudges. He was so much better a man than I.

They say you only regret in life what you leave undone. I regret so much. So much of what I regret is how poorly I showed my brother that I loved him. I regret that I was not there with him. I regret that I didn't go to visit him more. I regret that I ignored God's gift of a brother.